The past couple of years have been some my most challenging and rewarding years of my life. The steps forward into uncertainty, the ever longing itch to become what I have always desired to be. The beginning of a new life that I have carved and shaped. Wrought with constant blockades, impatience, and a gloom hanging overhead.
It wasn’t something that just happened. I had to make a conscious decision to leave the world I had created around myself, the prison I had ensnared myself into. It started about 6 years ago. Attempts were made to break free of this repetitive cycle. Truly, I was alone in this endeavor. I had used up all of my friends and family. This isn’t to say I don’t blame them, I don’t. However, the road I traveled was destined to be a lonesome journey. The first steps were recognizing self-destructive behavior, and isolating why I felt the need to perform acts of sabotage on my own life. This took a lot longer than I expected. Breaking free from patterns in behavior is much easier said than done.
The year is now 2019. I had broken free of the destructive cycle that kept my mind suspended for the last decade and a half. This isn’t to say I was cured. I was far from it. Certain scents and sounds could trigger memories I wasn’t prepared for at that moment. It’s interesting how much memory affects our mental well-being, even negatively. This new chapter was rediscovering who I was, but this was a dead end. For what I had remembered about myself was distorted, often shrouded and eclipsed by moments that I barely existed for. A new way of thought was necessary. Instead of becoming what I was, I would become what I wanted. Every hope and dream. This became a creed for me, a clarion call.
The next year was, for many, a very difficult year. However, for myself, it was a breakout moment. A moment where I could focus on myself and drown out the outside noise. Develop new skills, new hobbies, and interests without the distraction of the world around me interfering. The year came and passed, but I had made significant progress. This year would also be of new introductions, new friends, and past ones returning.
This trend continued for 2021. Family relationships improved, friendly relationships improved, and generally, overall, my mood improved. The progress that I had made since 2017 was unbelievable. Lifestyle habits began to form, long camping trips, movies, concerts, and other events began to fill that void in my life that consumed so much around me and gave nothing back. I had formed meaningful connections with others, myself, and the world at large.
2022 began the same as previous years. This year would be a sort of major milestone. Thoughts of suicide were all but extinct, moments of anxiety and stress were almost nil. I knew the next step was to cleanse my body, much as I did with my soul and mind. I began to lose weight, improving my “style” of who I wanted to be on the outside, or rather, what I wanted to portray. Elements from my hobbies, my friends, and my beliefs began to take shape as physical representations. Weight was lost, but a slide back occurred during the winter of 2022. I knew this would be difficult, portioning in the US often is.
We are now in the current year. With the help of the gym, portion control, and a healthier diet not consisting of fried foods, my weight has dropped substantially, and notably, my BMI has improved. Not quite where I want it to be currently, but I will get there with time. I continue to meet new and interesting people in my life and welcome them with open arms. Although my past life has left a substantial scar for personal relationships, I have chosen to see past these moments and embrace the world for what it is, and shape what I can into what I would want it to be.
Why? Why did I do this? Aside from the obvious depression, I was physically dying. Not in any literal sense, but I was most certainly wasting away. Expecting something to come along or someone to believe in. This, however, did not happen. As time went on, I realized that whatever was going to happen, needed to happen sooner rather than later. I would give it one more college try, and if all my attempts failed, I could rest. I guess what I am telling whoever stumbles upon these messages in the void is whatever trouble you’re going through can be overcome. You don’t need anyone or anything to become what you want. These things help and encourage you, but they are not the be all and they are certainly not the end all. Life is full of wonders and amazement, it’s also full of cruel and harsh realities. We cannot just have one. No matter how hard we claw and scream, we must take it all. So believe in yourself, believe in the inner you. It won’t be easy, and it won’t happen overnight and it’s never too late.
“To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer, to find each other, and to feel. That is the purpose of life.”
-The Secret Life of Walter Mitty