Zip It 2014 - 24 Hours of Silence for Mental Health LIVE BLOG

As I was driving home from a meeting last night I had my first proper chance to reflect on the day was to come. I quickly realised I had not much time left to say anything I wanted to say before my silence kicked in. So first things first and making sure my priorities were in order, I had a discussion about when we would both be home to watch the new Greys Anatomy tonight. Following on from that I said goodnight to my housemate and went to bed. As important as Greys Anatomy was though there was something more important I wanted to say and that was two simple words, Thank You. First Thank You to every single person who has supported my zip it  efforts thus far. More importantly though a huge Thank You to God (or the universe if you prefer) for blessing me with a voice and the gift of speech as well as the good fortune to be born and raised in a country where I do have a voice and don't have to be afraid to stand up for what I believe in. I truly am grateful for every blessing and opportunity I have been afforded in life.

5:30am
So as I woke up this morning I remembered this other fantastic gift/ability I have been given that others don't, and that's the gift of working limbs and the ability to move. So even though I was tired because I'd stayed up discussing my TV schedule, I got up early and headed to the gym. Besides being able to use the gift of movement I'm stoked to have, I've read many times and places about the importance of a healthy body for a healthy mind so I figured there was no better way to start a day of silence for mental health. As I finished and headed into the change room and almost had a head on collision with a woman, I had my first almost speaking moment but found myself having to hold back my usual "sorry" in the name of silence. Sorry random lady, I'm not a bitch I swear! Also apologies to the kind reception lady who I didn't respond to when she bid me goodbye.

I'm the anti-fan of gym selfies but I figured this was an important exception.

7:30am
Following on from the gym I decided in advance I wanted to avoid awkward exchanges as much as possible, and so keeping with the healthy body healthy mind thing I to went to the juice bar and ordered via a piece of paper with the zip it logo on the back my breakfast smoothie and a salad for lunch. The guy definitely thought I was strange with my notes and nodding but I was sure to leave a thank you note on the same paper as I left in the hopes they read it later and understand.

Healthy Body Healthy Mind

Now begins the biggest challenge of the day... Work in the craziest loudest office in the world. Although it's highly possible I'm actually the one who makes all the noise and today will be very quiet, but I'm sure an all out Nerf war will erupt at any time. (Yes that is something that happens often enough for me to predict it.)

8.00am
As I arrive at work I'm greeted with tonnes of hellos (probably more than usual as generally people find it hilarious I can't talk back - I had one person already rejoicing my silence.) a few smiles, thumbs ups and other gestures later I settle in to my standing desk for the day but not before I've stapled and sticky taped signs to my front and back for the day. I'll say in advance I'm glad I have a lot of previewing to do today and can attempt to lock myself in to my headphone zone before the majority of the office arrive at 9. Oh and I've currently been shot at once with a Nerf Bullet.

I think they call this the height of fashion

9:00am
My wonderful stand up desk (Sitting is the new smoking) is decked out in almost every poster that the Zip it team have published (so if you guys wondered if they were useful, worry no longer) I may not be able to make noise with my voice, but am more than happy to clutter the work environment with noise of a different kind.

Just a few signs

9:15am
We have a big charity short film shoot coming up on Monday and our amazingly patient office assistant has just given me a run down on what camera equipment and microphones he will be bringing me throughout the course of the day. Thankfully I have now prepared some quick go to signs to help me answer questions. I may or may not need a "please explain further" one by the end of the day. I'm so thankful for my colleagues patience and good humour!

All the necessities

9:30am
I have enlisted my desk buddy to be my personal photographer for the day, and another colleague just came by for a visit attempting to trip me up by asking me how I was followed by a question about how I feel about the state of world politics and the current happenings in the middle east. I was able to sum up my usually rambling opinions in three simple words "It's effed bigtime." The second nerf bullet for the day has been fired. I fired back this time.

I don't ask for much really

9:45am
The first of my colleagues has gotten confused and started gesturing to me because they feel weird talking to me when I can't talk back. Haha we'll see how many others fall under the same spell. It's almost 10 and I realised I'm hungry and my breakfast oats are still in the car ready to be cooked. Oops, Nothing like a late breakfast to tide you over till lunch anyway!

10:15am
Sticking to the Healthy Body Healthy mind thing I'm enjoying my Amaranth Flakes, psyllium, mixed seeds, and goji berries porridge for late breakfast. I have also cut up a celery and put it out in our "snacks" area - yes we actually have one of those - for everyone else to eat, as we are in a bad habit of eating biscuits and cake (partially my bake sale's fault) as a snack. As soon as I put it out one of the amazing ladies got some dip (I couldn't ask but I think it's Tzatziki) to go with it. I LOVE my work family!

10:30am
Not gonna lie, I'm starting to get a little over not speaking. Not because I have anything important to say, but I miss the little exchanges in the kitchen or hallway and feel like I'm being rude to people and awkwardly smiling at them - sooo glad I don't have a mirror. Have just been shot in the back with another nerf bullet in our designers attempt to get a reaction out of me haha, but war hasn't erupted yet AND nothing will make me falter. I'm on high alert for the two colleagues who have threatened a tickle attack sometime today but in the meantime I'm full into headphones on JFK watching and sub clipping mode for the History Channel. I LOVE my job. 

11:00am
Chad our amazing office assistant came back for part two of our microphone tutorial. I could nod at most things, but when he and Michael (also working on the film) asked if we had a boom mic I had to write a longer response. Chad found it entertaining and fun and said we should try a day where everyone writes to each other in notes only, and Michael said the anticipation of what the note was going to say was killing him. For anyone interested I accidentally wrote a poem as a response which said: "We don't have a boom, but I'm borrowing Simon's mic which goes into the zoom." This JFK doco called 1pm Central Time is super interesting. Yes, there is still more to learn about JFK!

11:45am
Nothing much to report, working hard. However I have been furiously snacking on celery and it wasn't until I took my headphones off for a second that I realised how loud my celery munching is. Oops. I may not be speaking but I'm unknowingly making noise!

12:50pm
I ate my delicious Kale and Quinoa salad from the juicebar this morning. I don't know what else was in it but it was delicious, and I figure with two superfoods I can't go wrong. I think I'm getting better at gesturing things without using notes. I still wouldn't want to look in a mirror and see my funny "Natty's silent face" (dubbed by my friend this morning) though. Someone is playing a song out loud where the only lyrics seem to be "everybody get down today" on repeat and so I had a 10 second dance break. It's a good thing I'm getting better at gesturing as I've used almost all my coloured paper. I made this short video (30 secs) for instagram before realising I could only upload 15 seconds of it there - I popped my instavideo cherry yesterday so I wasn't aware of such restrictions. In any case, here it is in full. I've had the odd question here and there, and had one person in the kitchen ask me what the sign said. I'm not sure if he was trying to be funny or he legitimately couldn't read it. Anyway, here's my video complete with amazing acting skills... ahem.

2:00pm
Post lunch I went down to our other building on the hunt for a microphone which I couldn't find sadly, and now have to figure out who has taken it and how I can get it back without speaking, but that's an issue for later. On my way back up I visited our always cheerful editors where fun times ensued. One has been away for 6 weeks so I greeted him with welcome back notes and a compliment on his hair. He proceeded to respond to all my notes in amazing interpretive dance which sadly wasn't captured on film. We did try to recreate it for film purposes but the spontaneity was gone and it ended up being awkward me dancing by myself. One of the other editors walked past and made a joke about me being rude because I didn't respond to him so when he came back I gave him a little slip of my self made zip it note paper to explain but things got weird when he turned it around and saw the notes from an earlier conversation about when my silence started and how I can't talk. As you can see by the image below it is slightly questionable. I was having far too much fun with the guys who are always hilarious so I left them reading my blog (and promised they'd feature in the next update) and came back upstairs ready for mandatory TV classification training. 

2:30pm

Just before classification training I checked my bank balance as aside from being World Mental Health Day it's also Foxtel monthly payday - my favorite day of the month! I was expecting my pay of course, no surprises there, but I discovered I'd also been credited with my tax return which was almost 3 times what I expected. This was unexpected exciting and confusing all at once but nobody was looking in my direction so I couldn't express that to anyone (I refrained from starting a Nerf battle to draw attention to myself. Instead I texted my amazing friend and accountant with an "ummmm is this all meant to be for me." He called me shortly after and like a rude bitch I rejected his call. Thankfully he's one of my generous sponsors so when I texted him to explain why I hung up on him he understood and gave me the good news that I get to keep it. Again though it's hard to share my excitement about not owing the government money with anyone around me without using my voice or writing complex notes. This made me a little sad that something actually exciting happened and I couldn't say anything, but there's always next week!

2:45pm

Classification training is always an interesting time. Often it involves awkwardly watching porn with your colleagues, but thankfully today it's about violence. A little less weird. Training is taking place in our mini theatre called the skyline lounge. As I walked in people were spread across a few rows, but like the rebel I am I went straight to the back where nobody was sitting so that I wouldn't be tempted to engage in conversation. It was a little lonely in the back row as I couldn't even get eye contact with anyone to share smiles or glances when something funny was said or happened, apart from at the very start when three people were having a debate about whether the point of zip it was for them to tempt me and challenge my silence and make me work for my money or whether it's just about letting me do my thing in the name of mental health awareness. I'm sure the second is the point, but I'm happy to be challenged because it shows my resilience and willpower and also keeps me entertained and not feeling ignored or isolated.

With all my friends

3.00pm

Is it possible for your throat to feel dry and sore when you haven't used it all day? I don't know that talking would fix this but it's. Weird sensation. Maybe it's in my head... I want to talk so I'm feeling sore in my throat perhaps? Who knows. I guess I'll drink more water! Also finding that I want to add input into conversations (especially in classification) about my thoughts or comments, but being totally silent is different because I feel like I'm no longer an active participant which is weird for me because I'm an extrovert and so I'm very used to contributing to conversations. Oh some good news right at the end of training, next quarter's classification training is about sex. Here come the awkward side glances.

4.00pm

All out Nerf war has finally erupted. Got hit with a good one in the face by the guy in the back near the window and almost squealed. Closest I've come to making a sound all day. He was proud.

Hair tied back for complete concentration

4.30pm

I feel like the last half an hour has been the longest all day, yet I've done many things. We carried all the gear to my car in silence and then there was the awkward moment I couldn't apologise profusely for the terrible state of my car - I'm cleaning it this weekend I swear. Then We had a discussion, rather the team had a discussion and I nodded and wrote notes about whether we have everything ready for this shoot on Monday, and I checked some promos for on air. I don't know if it's stress but I am sooo hungry but I have now eaten all the celery. In the last half hour my phone has also run out of battery so I walked around with a note saying "Do you have an iPhone charger" until the lovely Jon lent me his. This stressed me a little because I'm already down on one communication method and once I'm out of the office I need it for emergencies. In any case, crisis averted and it is now charging. I was asked an interesting question though... If I get pulled over for an RBT what do I do? I'm more than ok with writing notes to the cops, but what would I do if they asked me to count to 10? Praying that doesn't happen, but it begs the question of whether or not I'd be a failure if I had to count numbers. How exactly does a breath test work anyway, if I mouthed the words and no sound came out would they still have my breath? As you can see I have not frequently been breath tested and until about a month ago had never been breathalysed in 6 years of driving.

I'm not going to lie, the fact I just rambled about breath tests gives you some kind of indication of the fact that I'm starting to get sick of not talking, and it's clouding my ability to concentrate. Snap out of it Natalie! JFK is waiting.

5:30pm
It has now been 12 hours of awake silence. 19 hours if you include sleeping, but I couldn't confirm that I didn't sleep talk. I've had reports from people I've shared rooms with in the past that I say some weird stuff sometimes. I'm about to leave the office. Pretty much everyone else is gone so it makes it less hard to resist the urge to talk. I think I have everything ready for the shoot next week, and if I don't I've got two days of talking to figure it out. Things are about to get interesting though in my silent journey as I'm about to travel to the local shopping centre to jump start my housemate's car. Before you ask, yes she should have NRMA but it's a long and confusing story as to why she doesn't. In any case, helping her start her car will improve both our mental states, hers because well, she'll have a working car, and mine because she's getting me delicious dinner while she waits for me, AND both our mental states because we'll be home at the same time to watch Greys Anatomy. I don't know what you do on your silent Friday nights, but we know how to party! Hopefully I'll be back in an hour or so to report the outcome to you then, and continue this LIVE blogging fun.

Signs down from the desk as I leave

5:45pm

Honestly didn't think I'd have anything to report between my desk and the car, but had two weird exchanges. First as I came out of the fire door (stairs are the healthier option than the lift) and a guy jumped and said "you scared me to death" and I smiled weirdly and then as I was walking out of the building a guy said "excuse me I think there's something stuck to your back." He was obviously trying to do a good deed but I can't help but think he'd be embarrassed if he'd actually read the sign and understood. I smiled and nodded and we parted ways.

6.15pm

Good news, I'm still alive. Sounds like a dumb thing to say but I have had previous bad experience jump starting cars and accidentally shocking myself when I let the leads touch. I'd blame my blonde hair, but that hasn't been around since I was about 6 years old. Thankfully my housemate gave me a good description of where to find her and we we got the car started easy. We had a brief game of charades as I tried to tell her I'd get Greys Anatomy ready while she warms the battery. It took a while but eventually after I pointed at the grey steering wheel many times and pointed at my eye she got it and now I'm heading home.

Leads in in silence no worries #idontneedaman

You'll be hard pressed to find a cooler pair

6.55pm

OMG Pad Siew is delicious. I mean if I was forced to pick a meal for the rest of my life Chicken & Tofu pad siew would probably be it. I may or may not have started eating it in the car it smelt so good. Other than the deliciousness I really enjoyed the car ride home in silence. I turned the radio off this morning because I get too tempted to sing along. Being alone in the car there was no pressure for me to talk to anyone which was nice. Home now though and Ellen is on the TV and I'm so desperate to comment on the ridiculousness of some of the segments, or discuss what I'm seeing with my housemate. Need to get something on that doesn't require interaction stat!

7.30pm

Greys Anatomy time! It may not be how you'd start your Friday night in silence, but I'm pretty damn happy to be chilling on the couch right now. It's not an over stimulating program so there are only a few things I've wanted to comment on to my housemate and I've refrained. It's not like it's world changing stuff I need to say so it's all good.

Chillaxing like a boss

8.00pm
I love my housemate, but every time she talks to me I want to talk back, far more than I wanted to talk back at work. Can't work out if it's because I'm tired and so I want to engage in mindless talk about television (as opposed to the work television talk during the day that actually requires concentration). It's definitely me though that's struggling with the silence, but it's too early for bed still, and I've got to learn lines before my acting class in the morning so I'm thinking I might try the bath and candle thing for some me time.

9.30pm

Did the bath and candle thing while watching episode two of History's The Bible which I have to watch for work but is actually really well made and interesting. Once the relaxation was over I started myself on a dangerous road of watching the HBO show girls. It's purely for script research but the more and more I see YouTube clips, the more I think I should start watching it for real! Have kept to myself since post Greys Anatomy and I think I'm almost ready for bed.

10.00pm

Part of me would like to stay awake until midnight just for the joy of saying a word and then going to sleep, but the tireder I'm getting now would suggest that if I don't go to sleep I'll end up talking to myself and break my silence. With that in mind it is time for me to bid you all goodbye and goodnight. It has been a long day and as I wrote on my fundraising page this is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. In saying that though, it was a fun day, and regardless of both those things I am so excited to as of now raised almost $2500 for the Black Dog institute. Unfortunately for the competitor in me that means I need to raise even more next year. Gulp. And in saying that, donations will be accepted through to the end of the month. If you doubted I could do it before, I've now (I hope) proven it to you and have successfully smashed 24 hours of silence which will be over 30 all up by the time I wake up. 

I hope you've enjoyed my ramblings today, and I'll be sure to post my first words in the morning for you. Until then, peace out, oh and donate please! Xo Nat

Good night all!

To Donate go to:

https://www.mycause.com.au/page/80140/nataliezipsitformentalhealth2014

A bit of drama to spice up my life

We all have lists... And I don't mean shopping lists or packing lists or present lists, (because let's face it, they're not all that exciting) I mean real life lists, things we want to do, things we want to tick off before we die. For some these come as a sort of mid life crisis, the "oh sh*t I've wasted so much time and don't feel like I've accomplished anything and shall now buy a sports car" kind of list. For others it is as simple as a bunch of classic movies they want to tick off.

I'm just twenty five, and hopefully nowhere near having a mid life crisis, but as long as I've known I've had these lists... Never written down, but things that have remained there in the back of my mind waiting to be reignited. The biggest example of such an item is the "get married and have kids" objective. This one is dateless... Sure there is a biological clock that will stop ticking at some point (or so every magazine ever says) but this item is otherwise out of my control. On the other side of the list is a desire to watch The Lord of the Rings and Indiana Jones movies (don't judge) which is fully within my control.

While both of these items have been on my "list" for quite a long time, the movie one in particular isn't something that I think will bring me great fulfillment. Sure I will have added trivia night knowledge, but it isn't going to change me (I don't think) and isn't anywhere near challenging enough for me.

If you've read any of my previous blogs, you'll quickly learn I like to try new things. In fact, in ten weeks (give or take a month or two) I tried ten new things for a creative project for work. Yes this technically fell under work (have I ever mentioned how much I LOVE my job?) but it was so much more than that, and ignited a new passion on me to keep trying the things on my list. I began to feel less dread toward the fear of failure and the judgement from others, especially my peers. I've spent a lot of my life being a people pleaser, not reluctantly, but one day I realised that my worst fear was not in fact public speaking, (like 85% of humans) my worst fear was being judged by people I knew.

This surprises a lot of people I know... In fact, today as I danced and sung around the cafe to the countdown on music max as we waited for coffee, I said something along those lines and it was hard for those there to believe me. Until this point in life I have often avoided doing things because of fear of rejection or judgement... If you wanted to read to deeper into that, it could stem from being bullied in school and past interactions with people, but wherever it comes from, it has always been there, and for the past few years at least has held me back from one particular item off Natalie's long list of awesome things she wants to do… take acting classes.

When I was about 8 years old I think I first expressed to my Mum that I was interested in doing drama classes. At that point my only performing arts experience had been a brief stint in the band playing clarinet, (very brief) and a few years in the school and state choirs. I remember coming home multiple times asking my Mum if I could take classes, but because of clashes in extra curricular activities and the costs involved it never eventuated. A few years later I started high school and as soon as I heard the school had a debating and tournament of the minds team I was at the auditions quicker than you could give me the time. I remember the auditions being so much fun and I knew these were both something I wanted to do.

This was when the first two rejections came. I didn't make it on to either team in year seven, and I was so devastated. At the age of 12 that was enough for me to not want to go back again in the next few years to audition either. I had known that not everybody would get a place, but being one of only a few who didn't get a place on either debating teams, and missing out on tournament of minds as well, this twelve year old wasn't about to face more rejection.

When it came to subject selection for year nine and ten I was conflicted. I loved art and had been building and making things since I was really young so since I only got to choose two subjects, Art and Design & Technology were the front runners. I desperately wanted to do all three, but Drama sat as my third preference, and for about two days I was on the list to do it until a space opened in the art class and I was moved. In   Two years later we were studying A Midsummer Nights Dream in English when we learnt it was to be our schools next major production. I was so excited, as I was fascinated by the whole play and wanted to be in it more than anything. A friend of mine had the same idea and so for weeks the two of us practiced a scene between Helena and Hermia before building a life size tree out of cardboard boxes to take to our audition with us. Whatever it took we were going to get into that play… And we did. I was cast as Peaseblossom and she was Mustard Seed (two of Titania’s fairies). I only spoke 8 words in the whole play, but boy did I do them enthusiastically.

Coolest Fairy Around

After loving this taste of the thespian life I was quick to audition for the school production of the musical The Wiz the following year when I was in year 11. I was not a singer so auditioned for the chorus. (I’m almost certain they let everyone in, but chose roles based on the auditions) I was cast as a munchkin and a flying monkey and even though I had to learn a whole bunch of songs, a whole bunch of dances and go to a whole bunch of rehearsals I loved every minute of it. At this stage I had still not joined drama classes because I didn’t want to be two years behind everyone else who had done it as an elective and it went on the back burner again.

In the years since then I have tried to stay involved in “the scene”, selling tickets for my friends musicals and doing the odd bit of extras work here and there as well as taking up pole classes and performing (the most nerve wracking experience of my life) at a variety night in Glebe last year. For the longest time however I have sat back and watched and wished I could take part, always too scared that people will judge me or laugh at me or that I would embarrass myself, or worst of all… fail.

Until NOW!! After participating in a sample class at the Actors Centre in Surry Hills (Where Hugh Jackman did all his original training) AND loving every minute of it, I have officially enrolled in a part time acting course for 2014. I am so unbelievably excited about this. I’m not doing it because I have dreams of Hollywood or anything like that, I am doing it because I want to follow a passion, become more confident in myself, and knowing more about the craft of acting can only be a positive influence on my job. So… It may have taken me seventeen years to get here, and I may still fail, but I don’t want to look back at my life as I’m floating up to the spirit in the sky and wonder if I could have done it.

Here’s to ticking things off the list! Bring on 2014!

If today was your last day

Yesterday I was on my way to work when I received the tragic news that one of the kids I grew up with and then worked with for a few years tragically passed away in a car accident the day before. I haven't seen him in a few years, but nevertheless it was a shock to the system. He was only twenty two years old and had his whole life ahead of him, a genuinely lovely guy who was amazing at his job, and skilled beyond his years. On Tuesday the earth lost a wonderful person, and though I didn't know him very well, the words written by his friends and family on Facebook in the twenty four hours since his passing show just how much he was loved and respected.

I turned the radio off in the car for some silence and prayer. As I asked God to watch over him and his family I found it harder to concentrate, and to fathom why such a tragedy had occurred. I realised that accidents like this happen every day, but this time it was someone I knew and it got me thinking about life. No matter how hard I tried to push it out of my head, one song kept coming back into my head on repeat. That song: If today was your last day by Nickelback. I don't know what that says about my musical tastes, but it was the words that kept resounding with me.

It is such a reminder to love every day like it is your last day... And I'm not saying go spend all your money or intentionally tempt fate by doing risky things, because then the chances of it being your last actually do increase. Every day I thank God for giving me another day on earth.
"Each day's a gift and not a given right."

I don't know when I will leave this earth, but I hope and pray it's not any time soon because I still have so much I want to do, so much I want to see, and so much I want to give to the world. I'm so lucky that I have the amazing job, wonderful friends and loving family that I do and it's time to start appreciating that more.

I've read a bunch of articles and watched a bunch of TED talks that echo that sentiment, and if you haven't been motivated to make the most of every day and to stop making excuses check out the link below.

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/productivity/100-incredible-things-learned-watching-70-hours-ted-talks-last-week.html

And if that isn't motivational enough. Check out this pep talk from Kid president. "It's everybody's duty to give the world a reason to dance."

Stop making excuses and live and love every moment like it was your last, cause you never know when it will be!

And in the meantime, have a listen to Nickelback.

If today was your last day.

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less travelled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?
What if, what if, if today was your last day?

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you're never living twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

What if, what if, if today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are

So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothing stand in your way
'Cause the hands of time are never on your side

Mental Health and Me

This World Mental Health Day, 10 October, I am giving up my voice for 24 hours to raise funds for mental health charity The Black Dog Institute. The passing of a relative is what led me to speak out about mental health and to do this challenge in 2012, but underneath I realised that even though I was doing a good thing, I wasn’t doing all I could to reduce the stigma associated with mental health. I was keeping my struggles as a teenager silent, and in order to truly make some noise about mental health I needed to be 100% transparent, so here goes...

On my thirteenth birthday I woke up feeling sick. I assumed it was just because I hadn't eaten and headed off to the bus stop with an apple. By the time I arrived at school I was feeling even worse so I went to the school office and they called my mum to pick me up. This seemingly normal sick day was the start of many more to come. For the next and last six months of year seven the number of sick days I had grew exponentially to the point where I was missing whole weeks of school.

I went to the doctor many times and tried to explain to them that I would wake up every morning feeling really sick and I didn't want to go to school if I was going to be sick. They did all the blood tests they could, and they all came up negative. They told me I was fine and needed to just go to school because it was all in my head and I wasn't sick. When they decided it wasn't anything physical, the first thing the doctors, the school and my mum asked was whether I was being bullied or if there was something worrying me at school, did I find the work too hard and so on. The answer to all of the above was no. I loved school, I loved my friends, and I wasn't being bullied. I was so frustrated that nobody believed me, I wanted to be at school and I didn't want to feel sick, but no matter how much everybody told me I was fine, I didn't feel it.

My family and neighbours rallied around trying to make me go to school by offering to drive me, or by promising rewards if I went to school. None of this stopped me from feeling sick, and so as my family got angrier at my unwillingness to go to school, I got craftier in my avoidance. I was so scared of going to school sick that I started preplanning my way to get out of going by announcing how sick I was feeling before I went to bed. That didn't last very long, and soon I was barricading myself in my bedroom until my siblings and my mum had to leave for school and work. I would not come out again until they had left, returning to my room when they came home in the afternoon or evening.

I kept up with my school work the whole time, with my friends sending homework home with my sister for me. Explaining to my friends why I wasn't at school became harder the longer I was sick. Eventually I reluctantly agreed to go see a psychiatrist who specialised in adolescent disorders. It was then that I was diagnosed with depression and an anxiety disorder, and was put on anti-depressants.

I couldn't say whether this helped or not, as even though for the last few months of year seven I was able to attend school most days, I still found myself feeling sick, and other than riding my bike or hanging out in the street and the park with my neighbours, there was nothing I would leave the house for, and the last thing I wanted to do was get into a car or on a bus. I was so glad when the school year finished and it was school holidays, again, not because I didn’t like school but because it meant I could get up every morning and not worry about getting on a bus or being away from home if I didn’t want to be. I remained on the antidepressants, and everyone assumed (me included) that when term one of the following year started I would be back into the swing of things and have no further issues. Unfortuntely that was not to be the case and from day two of year eight I started missing school again.

At this point my family and the school started growing more concerned. I went to meetings with the school counsellor, with the year advisers, and even had a few teachers visit me at home to bring me work. I hated the way I was feeling, but couldn’t make it go away no matter how hard I tried. I remember crying to my mum and the doctors about just wanting to be better. I was missing school and my friends and normalcy and wanted a magic cure. As anyone else who has ever experienced anxiety or depression would know, there isn’t a simple cure.

I was taken to an appointment at Redbank House, which is a school located on the grounds of Westmead Hospital. It has small classes of students who (at the time I was a student) experienced a range of mental illnesses and disorders ranging from schizophrenia and psychosis, to anxiety, depression and eating disorders. Its aim is to rehabilitate, (for lack of a better word) students who face these various challenges. For some students it means just coming to the school daily instead of their regular school and meeting with nurses and doctors, and for others it means living on the ward during the week, with school in the day, and going home on weekends. I started off only attending daily, however because I was as reluctant to leave the house to go to this school as I was my own, I was quickly (with much protest) moved to a live in student.

Over the next two terms I grew to really love the place. I made some great friends, and loved all the staff members (most of the time). I loved that when school was finished I got to go back to the ward where we would play games, watch tv, play pool and generally have a good time. My school sent me all the work I needed to do, so I stayed up to date with everything I needed to learn. This meant that when I did eventually go back to school I wasn’t struggling to keep up.

In saying all that though, it wasn’t the easiest of six months. It also involved daily and weekly meetings with my case worker, psychologist and doctor, as well as family sessions. I can’t recall a specific point where I started feeling better in control of my anxiety, but by the end of my time there I was going to my own school a few days a week. I was really glad to see my old friends and school again but was still worried about returning.

In all my counselling sessions we discussed my anxieties and what I was feeling. Even though I hate being psychoanalysed and I’m not sure we ever came up with a concrete reason for why I was feeling anxious all the time. Somewhere in those six months I changed and grew and was able to cope with what I was feeling.

It wasn’t a magical cure though. For the next few years I still struggled with my anxiety, and although I was going to school every day, I sometimes found myself having a sudden sick day on days of school excursions. By the time I finished high school in year twelve to anyone else it was as though there was no more problem, and for the most part there wasn’t. I still get anxious about flying, and leaving my comfort zone, but am constantly challenging myself.

I know now what my fourteen year old self couldn’t work out, that the world isn’t going to end if I am sick away from home or in public. I developed along the way my own strategies of combatting anxiety, and it has worked. I stayed on the anti depressants until I was about halfway through uni, mostly because of a fear of relapse if I stopped taking them. That relapse didn’t come, and hopefully never will, but I am always conscious to keep my mental health in check whether that means talking to friends, or writing or just taking time out for me.

I have never thought of ending my own life, but if I hadn’t had been forcefully encouraged (if you like), to go get help, and if my mum, my family, my neighbours, my school, and my doctors hadn’t pushed for me to do it I may not have and if I had lived in that anxiety for an extended period of time, who knows where I would be now. Mental illness is a struggle, and when nobody wants to talk about it, or you have people (even close friends) around you telling you to “suck it up” and make yourself better because “You’re being a big cry baby” it makes it even harder to speak out.

When I had the flu I would tell people I had the flu, and when I broke my arm and missed a few days of school due to hospital visits I told people about that too. Why wouldn’t I? It was the truth right? While I was absent due to mental illness though I would tell my friends I had an undiagnosed mystery illness and that I had been sent to boarding school for a while and I’d be back to my normal school soon. I don’t know if my friends believed me at the time, and I didn’t really discuss it with them afterwards. Why did I need to? I was fine now.

I’ve added to the stigma associated with mental illness as much as everyone else. I felt ashamed that I had anxiety and depression, and even more I felt embarrased that I couldn’t just make it go away. I felt like there was something wrong with me, like I was a lesser person because everybody else at my school was fine. I didn’t want to try and explain what was wrong with me because I didn’t believe any of them would understand, and I was happier allowing people to believe terrible rumours about why I had been absent from school instead of just telling the truth. The truth is that even though it shouldn’t, stigma surrounding mental illness still exists today.

There are alarming figures about mental illness rates, with one in five Australians experiencing some form of mental illness in their lives. When there is an outbreak of chicken pox in a class of 20 kids once in a year it makes the news. One in five Australians is over four million Australians, which is far too great a number to stay silent about.

This Zip it campaign was a chance find when I felt a call to action in 2012. I felt lost and wanted to do something to help. I had given money to the Black Dog Institute, but knew I couldn’t just make a donation. I felt a need to speak out, and the best way to do that was to not speak at all. I love talking (a lot) and knew that besides being an easy money maker (given the number of people who would have paid money years ago to have me silent for a while), it was important for me to be an ambassador for mental health given my own struggles. So here I am back for round 3.

I know I don’t have the skills or resources to help every person who is struggling with mental illness, and to end suicide in Australia or in the world. I do have the freedom to be able to talk (minus one day) and write about it, and raise funds for the people who have the means to be able to make a difference. It doesn't have to be a life sentence, and you don’t have to struggle in silence.

To sponsor me or to find more out about Zip It, go to the link below.

https://www.mycause.com.au/page/80140/nataliezipsitformentalhealth2014

10 Week Creative Project Video & Reflections

Below is the video presentation of my 10 week creative project.

It summarises in four minutes and twenty seconds what activities I did. To read more about each task see my earlier blogs.

All these tasks challenged me and my comfort zone in a multitude of ways, and there were times and certain tasks where I doubted myself. I want to do everything, and I want to be able to do everything. I find it hard to accept that I can't do something which is why I will try mostly anything. I certainly won't bungee jump or jump out of a plane anytime soon, but the biggest thing these tasks have taught me is to not hate on myself if I can't do everything. I was terrible at Flying trapeze, and even though I faced my fear of heights I left feeling depressed that I hadn't been as good as everyone else.

My biggest obstacle in my own self development in my quest for awesomeness and challenges is wanting to be like other people. I came to realsie that I need to get excited about my own personal acheivements and not worry if I'm not as good a dancer as my friend who has done it for 23 years, or not as good at flying trapeze as my sister who is an ex gymnast.

I did all these things, and that in itself is something to be hugely proud of. I gave it a go, and nobody can ever say I didn't try. I remember in my very first term of pole fitness two years ago telling my teacher (and then colleague) that I couldn't do one of the moves no matter how hard I tried. As a girl who had had a huge transformation in mind and body since she started pole, she was well equipped to give the following words of advice:

"Don't say I cant... Say I will."

And though sometimes I can be over ambitious or over confident when declaring I will be able to do something, as long as I keep the attitude that if I try long and hard enough, with the exception of perhaps inventing teleportation, I can and will do anything I set my mind do.

What's next for me? There are still so many things I want to try and take part in, and while I will fit all those other things where my timetable allows, my next biggest goal is to take an acting course. I won't be able to start until the start of next year, but it is something I have always wanted to do, and have long put off for fear I would be terrible at it.

Here's to bigger and better things. Watch this space for updates of new and wonderful experiences!

Pretty Much A Rockstar

I once read a valuable piece of advice... Or maybe I was told it once... Or possibly a large number of times until I was ready to listen. That advice: the best way to get over grief, or emotional turmoil that comes with either a death or a breakup is to keep busy. This advice has an added bonus of never being bored and as such has led me (good or bad) to where I am now - a promo producer by day, but by afternoon, night and weekends I'm a tutor, a youth group coordinator, a singer, a softball player, a cheerleader, a mentor, a church council member, on a magazine editorial team, a pole dancer and when I have spare time an unpaid extra/model. Evidently I like to keep busy

I wasn't always so busy though. A few years ago after a breakup when I dramatically professed that I could never be happy again, and that I was destined to work at Coles forever and would die an old lonely cat lady... I decided in my wisdom, or my friends persistent advice, to do something to keep busy.

Until that point I had spent years at church just singing as I watched my talented friends sing and play guitar every week. I decided then that I wanted to learn to play guitar, so I did what every budding guitarist does and went to Aldi and bought myself an acoustic guitar complete with case and amp inputs.
A week later I got back together with the guy I had broken up with (not a smart move in retrospect) and my guitar sat in the corner of my room for another year until my brother decided he wanted to learn to play so I lent it to him. He actually got really good and after about another a year he bought his own and asked me if I wanted mine back. I left it with him for a bit longer so he could teach other young people guitar at the youth group, but when this creative challenge came up I decided it was time to pick the guitar up again, and my best friend/housemate was only too happy to be my teacher (after harassing me for the last few years to pick the guitar up and learn more than the 5 chords and 1 strumming pattern I knew back to front.)

So after my first cheer leading practice (see earlier blog) I was feeling less than adequate about my dancing abilities and needed a distraction. I took my guitar out and sat down for my first lesson with my best friend in the backyard. The conversation went as follows:

"I want to be able to play a whole song by the end of the next 10 weeks."
"Sure, we can do that, what song do you want to learn? Taylor Swift,? she's easy to play."
"No I want to learn Vienna by Billy Joel."
(We look up the chords on our phones)
"You'll have to learn to bar chords but otherwise it's not too terrible.""Too easy. Done.""It's not actually that easy... you realise it took me 6 months to learn one bar chord.""It's cool, I've got this, I'm hardcore."
"Mmmm oooo-kay..."

Ten minutes later after my friend who has been playing for years realised that even she didn't know some of the complex chords in the song we had switched back to Taylor Swift's Mean.

At first I was just playing single chords at their appropriate times, eventually working my way up to strumming and singing. By the end of the night I had forgotten how upset I had been about my lack of dancing ability and was reveling in the fact I'd played my first song on guitar. There was even one bar chord in the song that I had sounding semi decent by the time I went to bed that night. It was the perfect self esteem builder I needed that I was not in fact hopeless at everything I tried.

I was a little ambitious thinking I had time to become a master guitarist in the 10 weeks, or 10 months as it almost ended up being. Given the number of other commitments that had now filled my life it was probably another few months before I picked up the guitar again, learning the chords to Adele's Someone Like You.

I haven't yet been able to commit any songs to memory, but at this stage my chord knowledge has increased, and slowly but surely I am on the way to actually being able to say I can play guitar. In the meantime the guitar is sitting out of the case in easy reach and sight in my bedroom to remind me to actually pick it up and start playing.

Guitar School

4/10 for Commitment levels

8/10 for fun times 

The Sounds of Silence

I'm quite a loud person, always have been, even at school when I was feeling shy or awkward in social situations I was loud and constantly being told to be quiet. I don't think I am one of those people who needs to fill every quiet moment with my own voice, however prolonged silence does make me uncomfortable.

Recently I attended Myers-Briggs personality testing which confirmed for me what I was pretty sure I knew already which was that I was an extrovert. Basically that means, among other things that I get my energy from people around me and not just from myself. I'll happily sit for hours watching TV not talking to anyone or sleep for that matter, but I don't often spend time in silence, preferring to throw my iPhone on shuffle whenever I'm at a loose end. As I was writing this very blog I was listening to Lily Allen's album on repeat until I realised the irony of what I was writing about and switched it off. Call it "method" writing, or something like that.

I have read many times that if you spend time in solitude and silence it's really good for your brain and can help your creativity and can spawn ideas and even come up with amazing things because your mind is free. I also heard in a talk from Sr. Hilda from the Abbey on the weekend before I started this challenge that it would be really good for my spiritual growth too, because when you sit still and listen you are more open to the flow of prayer and you're not blocked by loud noises, music and any other distractions.

With that in mind I decided to go seven days without music in the car. Seems simple enough…The way I see it is it's a win-win situation… I either improve my spirituality and/or my creativity and have deep revelations about myself spiritually and emotionally, that is if this succeeds... alternatively I go crazy and become more insane than I already am.

I won't lie, it was Monday morning and I got in my car and was listening to Sami Lucas and Yumi Stein's breakfast show on Mix 106.5 the whole 15 minute drive to work. It wasn't until I got there that I realised. Fortunately this was the only time I failed all week, so despite the slow start I was ready to get into it by the afternoon. After 5 minutes on my 30 minute drive to tutor I was so bored. I remembered all the things I had read and thought I should kick start by thinking about my life and relationships. Thinking was overrated though so instead I sung a song about what I was feeling about past relationships. I have no idea what it said now, and I kind of wish I had somehow recorded it, because I'm pretty sure it had a sweet chorus and bridge and everything. After tutoring I reprised the song for the ten minute drive home, but by the time I left to go to the city for my pole class I had lost the words. So what did I do instead, I sung a song about Marilyn Monroe, who I had been making a promo for at work that day. It was enough to last me the 40 minute drive, so evidently I had become knowledgeable on the topic. On the way home I made some phone calls (hands free in a legal car mount). Not because I had given up, though it was a very good time waster, but because I'd missed some calls while I was in my class.

The second day was thankfully just a few short trips, home to work, then work to first student tutoring, then to the second students house, then to the supermarket and then back home again. The longest of these was half an hour, and I think I was too tired to notice I was in silence, so it wasn't too much of a struggle.

Day 3 I was home sick, so though thankful I didn't have to drive anywhere in silence, I wasn't so thankful for the horrible stomach cramps I was having.
The fourth day, Thursday, was always going to be the hardest. This was my cheer leading day, which meant as soon as work finished I had a two hour drive in peak hour to get to Wollongong University. For some unknown reason I had Carly Rae Jepson's Call me maybe stuck in my head, and after singing that through a few times I annoyed myself with it. My brain then went somewhere else entirely, and as I sat on Australia Avenue I started thinking about ways to charge batteries if you were stuck on a dessert island. This eventually made me sleepy and I was uncontrollably yawning. I then started to ponder whether or not it is possible to yawn too much. Thankfully, at the right time another car with its window open drove past and it was literally music to my ears, that was short lived though and I still had an hour and a half to go and wasn't moving anywhere. I decided to start "writing" this blog by dictating to Siri, with interesting results… when I told her to write "Extravert" I actually ended up calling myself an "extra bed." I discovered that if I spoke in my best rendition of an American accent then she could actually translate my sentences pretty accurately. Singing she couldn't handle though, with "Starships were meant to fly… hands up and touch the sky" translating to: " Starships lamented hands up and touch this Lampstein as well." Eventually the traffic started moving so I gave up on Siri and for the next hour and a half between silences would burst into whatever song or hymn I could think of.

On the way home I must have been over singing because I actually found myself deep in thought, thinking about past relationships and decisions I've made in my life. Evidently there was something I needed to reflect on because I missed the turn off down Heathcote road when I realised I was in Engadine and so added an extra half hour to my silence by the end of it. Oops.
The fifth day was another one with not too many long trips. I went from home to work, then from work to a local youth camp picking up Dominos pizza for dinner on my way. When I drove home later that night I had a passenger which made it easy, and when I drove out to pick my housemates up from the Albion at Parramatta at 1:30, I was too busy focusing on staying awake to notice there was no music.

Day 6 Saturday was pretty uneventful, driving back to the youth camp, then ducking out to tutor and go to the shops nearby during the day before returning home late that night.

Sunday was our last performance day for cheerleading so after driving back to the youth camp to put on breakfast, I headed back to Wollongong. Fortunately Sunday traffic is a lot kinder than Thursday afternoon so I was there in an hour and a half. I spent the whole trip agonising over whether I remembered the moves or not, so although long, I didn't think too much about outside stimuli. The trip back always seems to go quicker, and after being around people all weekend, and about to head back for the dinner part of the youth weekend I was happy for some time out. After packing up everything at the end of the night, I dropped my brother home and had the last official ten minutes of my challenge in complete silence.

While I didn't die or internally combust from lack of radio and music, what I did notice was I was missing out on one of my daily sources of news. I felt a little disconnected from the world, and wasn't sure how I should feel about that. I liked for a short time not knowing what was going on because it brought with it a certain element of peace and tranquility, but I know too much to know it is selfish to ignore everything in the world because you only want to focus on yourself.In saying that though, I do have an appreciation for the quiet times. I don't switch the radio off in the car often, but I am more inclined to spend a little longer in silence before getting the iPhone out. I still listen to music in the shower most days, but I am making a conscious effort to put some quiet time into my life just to break up the craziness a little. I'm not about to go on a 5 day silent retreat or give up sound, but I think I've come a long way in acknowledging the benefits of self reflection.

Next week I will be spending a whole day in silence on World Mental Health Day to raise money and awareness for those suffering mental health issues in silence. While I can still use my ears, I can't use my voice, so it will be a whole new level of challenge keeping quiet, but is worth it.

Silent time: 7/10