Kirsty Bertarelli: Britain's richest woman turns to pop

Age: 41.

Appearance: Glossy, lissom, minted.

Yes, you can tell she looks after herself: Well she is a former Miss UK and Britain's richest woman.

Crumbs. That's an unusual combination. Don't tell me, after stepping off the glittery throne, she founded Greggs the baker? Nope.

Did her dad invent those little wooden sticks you stir coffee with? He didn't. Although she was born into the Roper family, who are very successful potters. Just not quite that successful.

I'm starting to wonder if there might a Mr Bertarelli somewhere… Bingo. That'll be Ernesto Bertarelli, the Italian-Swiss biotech magnate and champion yachtsman, whom she met on holiday in Italy in 1997, married in 2000, and now has three children with. The couple are estimated to have a combined wealth of £7.4bn.

Yes, well it's important to have two incomes when you have kids. And, indeed, when you own the largest yacht ever built in Britain, which includes six decks, a helicopter pad and a swimming pool.

Why do you need a swimming pool on a yacht? I suppose it takes too long to heat the sea. Anyway, Mrs Bertarelli is now releasing a pop album called Love Is. "I feel elation and sometimes pain like everyone else and that's what I draw on in my songwriting," she says.

Yeah, yeah. Typical vanity project. That is where you are wrong. Ronan Keating duets on the first single Send out a Message (To the World). And Kirsty already has a hit behind her, having co-written Black Coffee for All Saints, which reached number one in 2000.

Crumbs again. I know. When the Appleton sisters sing, "I wouldn't want to be anywhere else," what the lyrics actually mean is "other than on a yacht with Ernesto Bertarelli".

I see. Could I have Mrs Bertarelli's life instead of mine please? Biotech research has not yet reached that level, I'm afraid.

In that case tell me something to cheer me up. Kirsty's recent floor-filler Hands High only reached No 2 in the UK Music Week club charts.

Ha! Failure! I'm sure she's gutted.

Do say: "I hear that Lakshmi Mittal has been working on a metal track."

Don't say: "And to think we've never had so much as an EP from Her Majesty."