Recently
I feel like I only write when my heart hurts.
This time it does hurt. But somewhat in a different way. I feel like this one is a friendship I wanna keep. Not that the previous guys weren’t worth a friendship. Honestly, this one was the closest thing I’ve had to a long term relationship in a while. Kris was amazing, he was brave, he told me he didn’t want to ruin things, and as much as we did ‘date’ he kept enough distance to protect me. Steve didn’t. And I don’t regret that, I just hate that being friends after is going to be more of a struggle. Feelings are still fresh and maybe thats why. Prior to Steve, I haven’t had a relationship this serious sense I was 21. Years ago now. And the more I look at it, the more I want to consolidate this friendship. Because why ruin a good thing. I’m happy that I have many friends that do care and love me. I’ve realized in the last few days, that I do need to focus on myself, a fallacy that I haven’t recognized in years. I was better off in my last serious relationship because I jumped into ME right after. These are just rambling unstructured coked out of my mind thoughts. But they are good. I like that I’m recognizing how destructive I can make relationships, I like how much I realize I’m destroying my body with alcohol and drugs (and I say this with half a gram of coke in my system) but at the same time I really haven’t looked at myself in a while. I’m thinking mostly cause I’ve been scared. It’s time for bed and I work early, I’m sure there are many grammatical errors in this, but I’m also sure that only about 3 people will ever read this. If I’m speaking honestly, I miss my ex, the big one, because he gave be comfort, i miss my first one night stand - he was exciting, and taught me how to flirt. I miss the nirvana guy, who I really couldn’t stand, because he was the first I guy I chased after, and won in a way. I miss David, the married guy, the first mature man to tell me that I am pretty, to let me know that my personality is not scary, and the first to tell me that I will have many loves and many loses. I miss Kris, cause he is my first connection, one of my first best friends, that I made out of a one night stand, one of my first loves in many ways, he taught me how to love someone, without needing their attention ALL the time, he taught me support, and he taught me bravery. Most of all I miss Steve, one of my second loves, someone who I think will always remain in my heart for dumb jokes and songs. Someone who literally I can tell anything to, and he won’t judge me. Someone I want to hold near and dear, and need to figure out how to, someone so negative that has enlightened me to seek the positive within myself. Again I’m ranting, but I miss a lot of people. I miss a lot of love, and connection, and I need to figure out how to attain that without the physical attributes. I need to remember to LOVE my friends who have stood by me in the past years, old and new, I need to remember to LOVE myself who I will always have. This is starting to sound crazy, but I never said I wasn’t.
