husband and wife make a conscious decision to have no more children. The possibilities are numerous but the end result is the same… you have an only child.
When a couple or a single parent is faced with the fact that at least for the foreseen future their child will have no siblings, it sometimes makes them feel somewhat uneasy. It may feel like they have not lived up to what society expects a real family to look like. However, what really matters is how to deal with an only child.
Dr. Emina Kartal, child psychologist, provides useful answers and information on this topic.
Q. What do I tell my child when he asks me why he won’t have brothers or sisters to play with like his friends?
A. “The most important thing is whether the parents feel guilty or not,” explains Dr. Kartal. Children usually derive their basic feelings about the major things in life from their parents. For example, in a seemingly dangerous situation, a child will automatically look at his parents to figure out how serious the situation is, depending on how his parents react. So, if deep down the parents feel that by not having more children they have not been fair to their child, he will sense that immediately.
Dr. Kartal explains that the best way to go about it is to be completely honest and when asked, parents must explain in a simplified manner the real reasons why there will be no more children in the family. Children are very smart and sensitive, and will understand and adapt. There is no rule on how many children a family should have for it to be “normal” and happy. According to Dr. Kartal, “You can be an unhappy only child just as you can be an unhappy child that has siblings.”
Some parents worry that a child who grows up alone may not be able to communicate well with other people. But the truth of the matter is that it all depends on the home environment, and how the child is raised. Whether the parents are lively, talkative and playful or whether they are isolated can make all the difference.
Q. What can I do to lessen my child’s feelings of loneliness?
A. Dr. Kartal offers the following tips:
Have your child join nursery school by the age of three.
Invest in good friendships. It is always an asset to your children regardless of their being only children or not. So, make the effort to introduce your child to a circle of friends.
Pets are a great way to instill love for others and compassion in your child’s heart and personality. Think very carefully of a pet that would be suitable for your household, and one that you are sure you can handle instead of a pet that you will let go of soon after. It really hurts children to lose their loved pets.
Encourage mutual visits and playtime get-togethers. Always go with your child on his first visit to a new friend’s house. You must see the home environment that your child will be exposed to. Also, do not tilt to the extreme of sleepovers. It is not advised for children to spend the night anywhere but at home. Of course grandparents’, aunts’ and uncles’ homes are ok.
Invite people to your home often enough.
Engage your child in an activity of his choice. Team sports are always the best.
Q. I feel that single children usually tend to be selfish. Are there ways to avoid this?
A. It is hardly ever intended, but some only children do grow up to be slightly selfish, and sometimes self-centered. The best way to overcome this problem is to do charity work with your child. Don’t force it on him, just talk about less fortunate children and tell him that not everybody has a home and parents to take care of them. You can then suggest to your child to give away some of his toys to make other children happy. Also, buying new, little gifts for other kids is always good. It isn’t so wise to make your child feel that he will only give away what he has outgrown or does not like anymore. He must know that other people deserve new clothes and toys too.
Balance your act…
Parents often make the mistake of being too restrictive or too permissive. Both are obviously very wrong attitudes. “By being too permissive,” explains Dr. Kartal, “parents are conveying their guilt to their child.” It is like telling him that you did something wrong by not having more children and so he can have whatever he wishes for, and do as he pleases at all times. Dr. Kartal points out that children who grow up with no boundaries often become very unhappy adults when they are faced with the reality of life because no one always gets what they want.
On the other end of the scale, parents who are too protective may produce an unconfident, insecure adult. So, treat your only child just as you would have if you had a family of three or six children! If at any point you feel that your child is seriously unhappy, don’t always blame it on him being alone. Dig a bit deeper. It could be something else. Remember that family and child counseling are always available to help if you feel that your child is ever facing difficulties.
It is essential for you to know that it is not the number of children you have that makes your family a happy one. It is really the warmth, the closeness, the quality of shared experiences and the intimacy that make all the difference!
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