Reblogged
have a nice day :)
Hi, nice to meet you. My name is, I.
It is unfortunate that you are not brought into the world with an instruction manual. Perhaps, we’d all have an easier time on Earth if we knew from inception where our meaning lied. Instead, at a young age you learn to look outside of yourself to adapt to the world around you. Your parents, family, social groups, etc., all teach you the type of individual you ought to be. It works to some degree, you manage to get by life and pass your classes, keep your parents content , and you don’t slip into a identity crisis. You have foundation. Whether crappy foundation is better than none, is still a question up in the air. What I am certain about is that people tend to do everything and anything to avoid crashing. To protect themselves from looking in the mirror and admitting, you don’t know who’ve you become or how you got here. As a result, we cling to people, ideologies, structures, vices, etc. to shed light on our identity. To give us sense of ownership over our own lives. We use these resources as vessels to provide self fulfillment. As you can imagine, that burden is a heavy one. Such that, you will find yourself at the end of broken relationships, the loss of loved ones and/or being fired from a job, -with no conception of who you are outside of those pieces of your life.
As a young woman, I took a high interest in a man who was older than me. I was instantly enamored from the beginning. I didn’t understand the desire till years later. I was in awe with his courage for life. He had build an uncommon career in a field he was extremely passionate about. He was the embodiment of social rebellion. I would curiously observe how those who engaged with him could sense the depth by which he knew himself. He spoke all things with a certain conviction that I had never encountered before. It was foreign to me, though, highly enticing. From my perspective, it seemed he had turned his back on the pressure from outside sources to tell him who he was. He had built every piece of himself from the ground up. No, even better, he had demolished the home others tried to confined him to, only to rebuild a house of his own that aligned only with his own vision.
I was mesmerized. He was contrary to everything I had known. I grew up with adults who lived in a safe routine and shunned away the idea of challenging their identity. My mother, gave every inch of herself to raise and cater to her family. A very loving woman but she always seemed so lonely. Like she couldn’t be with herself very long without the feeling of emptiness seeping through the walls closing in on her. My father, worked as a truck driver since the age of 27. He knew very little about himself outside of being a wonderful provider and protecter. Furthermore, being from a Hispanic culture, the idea that you were responsible for creating your own identity didn’t sit well with other traditional values such as religion and family. We lived within many boundaries. Freedom to be ourselves wasn’t possible, when we didn’t know ourselves to begin with.
And so, I come to you in my mid-twenties. Riddled with anxiety that my identity has been repressed for so long that it is unredeemable, at this point. I am a stranger to myself. The sense of deep self betrayal is a guilt I’ve learn to live with.I long to go back in time and sit with myself. First, I’d let her know that this life belongs only to her. Secondly, I’d ask her to grow as an individual before you devote yourself so easily to things and people outside of her. Thirdly, don’t turn to others to tell you who you are because they will praise you in one breath and disgrace you in the next. I know now, that (what appeared to be) my fully pledged loyalty frequently arose from desperation for direction in life than an authentic commitment. This isn’t a writing piece of how I fixed my life. This is a piece to honor my sadness. To take accountability for my wilted self perception that I was never enough to build up the life I wanted for myself and become a person that was honest with herself. The fear of going against the limitations set for you can be paralyzing but you’re either paralyzed for a portion of life or you submit the entirety of your life to a disingenuous cause. This is a hope for a relinquishment of guilt and a claim for redemption.
